Key questions to ask your sperm donor for private sperm donation

Author photo
Zappelphilipp Marx•
Two people sit opposite each other at a table, openly discussing sperm donation

Introduction

If you are considering sperm donation and want to choose a suitable donor, many questions can arise quickly. Should you use a donor from a sperm bank or a private donor found via a community or app? Which questions should you ask a sperm donor in the first conversation, and how can you tell whether they are really a good fit for you, your situation and your future child?

This guide brings together the most important questions for a sperm donor in a practical checklist. You can use the checklist to compare private donors, prepare an interview with a donor and clarify your own boundaries around donation and co‑parenting — whether you search via RattleStork, a sperm bank or your own network.

Why good questions to a sperm donor are so important

Sperm donation is not a small favour but a decision with long‑term consequences for you, your potential child, the donor and possibly your partner. Especially in private donation outside a sperm bank, a thorough set of questions replaces part of the medical and legal filters that clinics automatically apply.

Targeted questions to a sperm donor help you, among other things, to:

  • understand their motivation for donating
  • better assess health, sperm quality and genetic risks
  • know their expectations regarding contact, role and responsibility after the birth
  • distinguish between reliable donors and risky offers

In regulated programmes, screening and counselling are standard, for example following professional guidance on gamete donation and the advice of regulators such as the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) in the UK. There, donors are medically, genetically and psychologically assessed before their sperm is used in treatments.

Values, motivation and boundaries

Before diving into medical details, it is worth asking a block of questions about the donor’s motivation. Many conflicts arise because donors and recipients have very different ideas about what donation means — whether it is more like co‑parenting or more like an anonymous sperm bank donation.

Possible topics for this first set of questions with the donor:

  • personal reasons why they want to be a sperm donor
  • experience with previous donations and any own children
  • attitude towards single parents, rainbow families and co‑parenting
  • how they would cope with changes if wishes or life circumstances change later

If a private donor downplays your boundaries, applies pressure or makes fun of your caution, that is a clear sign they are not a good match — regardless of how attractive their profile or sperm values may appear.

Health and family history

Health and family history are essential in any serious donor questionnaire. Sperm banks and fertility centres screen donors systematically for infections, genetic conditions and psychological stability. Regulators such as the HFEA explain that donors are only accepted within clear age limits, health criteria and family limits.

In a conversation with a private donor you should at least ask about the following topics:

  • age, any past semen analyses and basic results for concentration and motility
  • physical and mental health diagnoses, hospital stays and ongoing treatments
  • current and past sexually transmitted infections and any laboratory reports
  • serious illnesses in the family, for example particular cancers, early heart disease, strokes, diabetes or neurological disorders
  • known genetic conditions or notable findings in the family that could affect a child
  • regular medications, substance use and lifestyle factors such as shift work or high stress

More important than perfect results is that the donor deals with these questions openly, calmly and reliably. Someone who brushes off medical topics or refuses tests is not a candidate for responsible donation.

Biography, daily life and personality

Even if a donor will have little presence in your family life, your child will eventually have questions about their origins. Many families using donor sperm therefore want at least a clear picture of the person who is genetically involved — regardless of whether contact is planned.

Possible topics for this part of the donor interview:

  • childhood and adolescence, formative events and important role models
  • education, profession and what matters to the donor in everyday life
  • hobbies, talents and interests such as music, sport, languages or technology
  • character traits, for example more reserved or outgoing, organised or spontaneous
  • personal values such as honesty, responsibility, autonomy, family or fairness
  • cultural or religious background that might later play a role in your child’s identity

You do not have to agree on everything, but a clear picture of the donor’s biography, personality and values makes it easier later to explain your child’s story.

Future role and contact preferences

Perhaps the most important topic in any donor questionnaire is the donor’s expected role and contact wishes after the birth. Fertility centres work with standard consents and legal frameworks on parentage, maintenance, access to information and the maximum number of families a donor may support.

With private donation you should at least clarify these points:

  • whether the donor wants to remain anonymous, be identifiable or allow open contact
  • whether they see themselves as a genetic contributor, an “uncle‑type” figure or an active co‑parent
  • whether and how many other families they currently support or plan to support in future
  • how they would react if your child later seeks contact
  • how important it is to them to be involved in medical or educational decisions
  • what would be a clear no for them, so you know their boundaries as well as your own

The clearer these expectations are stated and documented before the first donation, the lower the risk of later conflicts or disappointment.

Concrete questions to ask your sperm donor – checklist

Now comes the part many people look for in a donor guide: a concrete list of questions you can go through in a conversation or video call with your donor. You can save this checklist, print it or keep it in the RattleStork app as notes while you compare private donors.

A sperm donor sits in a clinic room and fills a semen sample into a sterile cup
Semen donation in a cup: sterile single‑use materials, clear tests and open answers are central to safe sperm donation.

The questions are deliberately open so the donor can tell their story. You do not have to ask them all in one meeting, but you can use them step by step to assess a private donor’s motivation, health, role and reliability.

  1. What motivates you personally to be a sperm donor, and what matters to you about donation?
  2. Do you already have children or donor‑conceived children, and if so, approximately how many children and how many families have resulted from your donations?
  3. Through which routes have you donated so far, for example a sperm bank, fertility clinic or private donation via platforms and groups?
  4. How do you imagine your role after the birth of our child — without contact, with occasional updates, or as a visibly present person in the child’s life?
  5. How old are you and have you had a recent semen analysis or medical assessment of your fertility, and what were the basic results?
  6. How would you describe your current physical health, are there chronic conditions, surgeries or hospital stays I should know about?
  7. How is your mental health — have you had past conditions such as depression, anxiety or substance use disorders, and have you received support?
  8. Which serious illnesses occur in your family, for example certain cancers, early heart attacks, strokes, diabetes or neurological conditions?
  9. Are there known genetic conditions or notable findings in your family that could affect a child, and have tests already been carried out?
  10. When were you last tested for HIV, hepatitis B and C, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhoea, and would you be willing to provide up‑to‑date lab reports before donation starts?
  11. Do you smoke, drink alcohol regularly or use other substances, and if so, to what extent and for how long?
  12. Which medications do you take daily or long‑term, for example for high blood pressure, autoimmune conditions or mental health, and are these compatible with donation?
  13. What does a typical day look like for you, what is your job and how stressful or physically demanding is your routine?
  14. What hobbies, interests or special talents do you have, and might these be of interest to a child later on?
  15. Which values are most important to you, for example honesty, reliability, autonomy, family or social justice, and why these?
  16. Approximately how many donations have you made so far and over what timeframe, and do you have a clear limit on how many families you want to support in total?
  17. Have you considered legal issues around donation, such as who is the legal parent, and what is your view on contractual agreements and written arrangements?
  18. Which insemination methods would you consider, for example only a home cup method, clinical insemination with prepared sperm, or something else, and which methods do you exclude?
  19. How flexible are you with timing around ovulation and short‑notice arrangements, and over what period would you be willing to provide sperm?
  20. How do you imagine safe and respectful meetings, where would you feel comfortable meeting, and which safety rules matter to you?
  21. Are you willing to record our agreements about role, contact, number of attempts, method and costs in writing, and would you consider reviewing these with an advice centre or lawyer?
  22. What should our child know about you later on at minimum — for example origin, profession, hobbies, health information or your thoughts about being a donor?
  23. How would you react if our child sought contact aged 16 or 18 and asked questions about their origins, and what would be important to you in that situation?
  24. Is there anything you would like from us in return, for example certain information about the child, the type and frequency of updates, or particular boundaries you want respected?
  25. Is there anything else important we have not covered, something that matters a lot to you regarding donation, co‑parenting or your role as a donor?

If you notice evasive answers, contradictions or a persistent negative gut feeling while working through the checklist, that is a good sign to keep looking. A reliable donor answers critical questions about donation calmly, openly and without pressure — even if not everything is perfect.

Red flags with sperm donors

While a structured questionnaire is helpful, it is equally important to take warning signs seriously when choosing a donor. In unregulated online groups, people report donors who cross boundaries, use donation as a substitute for dating, or later see their role completely differently to what was agreed.

Typical red flags include:

  • the donor pressures you towards natural insemination despite your clear refusal
  • they refuse current medical tests, downplay infection risks or provide no verifiable lab reports
  • they evade questions about past donations, the possible number of donor‑conceived siblings or their own children
  • they create time pressure, put emotional pressure on you or make your family project dependent on sexual favours
  • they insist on meeting only in isolated places or without clear safety arrangements and disregard your safety requests
  • they frequently contradict themselves about job, health, marital status or address

Regulated fertility centres and sperm banks work within clear legal rules on parentage, use of donor sperm and access to information. Official guidance shows that donors there are limited in how many families they may support and do not have legal parental status when treatment takes place in a licensed setting. If you search privately, your questions, your pace and your non‑negotiables provide an important part of that protection.

When professional help is useful

Even if you pursue private donors via communities or apps, professional support can be very helpful. Advice or medical supervision is sensible, for example, if:

  • you are unsure how to interpret lab results, semen analyses or genetic information
  • serious illnesses appear in your or the donor’s family history
  • you have already tried several cycles with private donation without achieving pregnancy
  • the donor search is causing you significant emotional distress, triggering anxiety or straining your relationship
  • you and your partner have differing expectations about the donor’s contact, role and responsibilities

Many fertility centres, specialist advice services and psychological providers know the typical questions around donation, donor selection and later disclosure to donor‑conceived children. They can help you translate medical facts, legal frameworks and your emotions into a coherent decision.

Conclusion

A clear questionnaire for a sperm donor does not replace laboratory tests or legal advice, but it makes donation tangible and comparable. The more precisely you ask about motivation, health, family history, role and practical arrangements, the easier it is to filter out unreliable donors and find the person with whom your parenthood project feels safe and right in the long term — for you, your family and your future child.

Disclaimer: Content on RattleStork is provided for general informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice; no specific outcome is guaranteed. Use of this information is at your own risk. See our full Disclaimer.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

There is no fixed number; what matters is that you cover motivation, health, family history, future role and practical arrangements and keep asking until you have a coherent overall picture and feel comfortable with the donor and the planned donation.

Particularly important are questions about the donor’s motivation, current health and lab results, genetic risks in the family, desired role after the birth, contact preferences and how reliable and transparent the donor is with agreements around donation.

Many people use a first meeting to get an overall impression and a second meeting for in‑depth health and future questions, so you can spread the checklist over several appointments, but you should have the key points clarified before the first donation.

Yes, even trusted people can have undiagnosed infections or family conditions; factual questions about health, lab results and family history are part of responsible donation and protect you and your future child.

Questions about past donations, the approximate number of potential half‑siblings and existing children are central because they relate to genetic risk, legal issues and later disclosure to your child, and therefore should be discussed openly.

It helps to explain calmly that you ask these questions to take responsibility for your child; you can start by talking about yourself and your family and then mirror questions about mental health, addiction issues, treatments and current use to the donor.

If a donor evades core questions about motivation, health, past donations, future role or legal matters or plays down the situation, that is a clear sign you should end contact and continue looking for a more suitable donor.

It helps to make notes after the conversation and to record key agreements in writing; this creates clarity for everyone involved and makes it easier to track what the donor promised and where there may still be open issues.

Especially for private donation outside a sperm bank, additional advice from medical specialists and legal advisers is sensible to better understand risks, contractual options, legal parentage and your own rights and to make informed decisions.

You should be cautious if someone pushes too quickly, only offers natural insemination, blocks health questions, gives contradictory information, suggests unsafe meeting places or shows no credible approach to tests, boundaries and safety.

Donors in regulated fertility centres and sperm banks undergo established medical checks and legal procedures, which reduces many risks; for private donors, safety depends greatly on your questions, your boundaries and the mutual willingness to make clear agreements.

RattleStork provides a structured community and matching app for sperm donation, private donors and co‑parenting, but it does not replace medical or legal advice; it mainly helps you compare profiles, collect questions and make boundaries and expectations clear from the start.