Why this question creates so much pressure
The desire to have children is rarely just a private consideration. Expectations from family, friends, culture, and the media often play a strong role. Added to that is the fear of making the wrong choice or regretting it later.
Many people don't experience a clear inner calling but rather a wavering. This is not a sign of indecision, but an expression of the fact that this choice affects several areas of life at once.
Wanting children is not an either/or feeling
A common misconception is the idea that you must either enthusiastically say yes or firmly say no. In reality, there is a wide range in between.
- Curiosity without a strong desire
- Desire accompanied by fear
- Desire dependent on life circumstances
- No desire, but doubts because of external pressure
All of these positions are normal. There is no single correct intensity that legitimizes wanting children.
Common reasons for wanting children
People name very different motives when they imagine having children. What matters is not whether these reasons sound good to society, but whether they feel right to you.
- A desire for closeness, bonding, and family
- Joy in accompanying a child as they grow up
- Passing on values or experiences
- A sense of meaning or a life project
These reasons can be sincere, but they do not automatically lead to a yes if other aspects argue against it.
Common reasons against having children or for doubts
Doubts often do not come from selfishness but from a realistic assessment of one's life.
- A desire for freedom, flexibility, or quiet
- Financial or career uncertainty
- Health or mental health burdens
- Fear of responsibility or being overwhelmed
- No inner need for parenthood
Not wanting children is not a phase that must be overcome; it can be a stable and fulfilling life choice.
The time factor and the issue of age
Many people feel time pressure, whether biological or social. This pressure can distort decisions. It's important to distinguish between real medical aspects and external stress.
Clinical information shows that fertility declines with age, but individual differences are large. At the same time, medical feasibility is not the same as personal readiness. A sober overview of fertility is available from the NHS on fertility.
Relationship: What if you and your partner think differently
Different views on having children are one of the most common stresses in relationships. That does not automatically mean someone is wrong.
It's important to speak openly, without trying to convince or pressure the other person. An honest "I don't know yet" is often more helpful than a rushed yes or no.
Myths and facts about wanting children
Many assumptions circulate around this topic that create pressure.
- Myth: At some point you just know for sure what you want. Fact: Many people decide despite lingering doubts.
- Myth: Life is missing something without children. Fact: Life satisfaction depends on many factors, not just parenthood.
- Myth: Doubts mean you're not fit to be a parent. Fact: Reflection is more an indicator of responsibility.
- Myth: Children save relationships. Fact: Children amplify existing dynamics but do not solve fundamental problems.
Questions that can help with the decision
These questions are not a checklist of right or wrong answers, but prompts for reflection.
- What would my daily life realistically look like with a child
- What would I concretely give up and what would I gain
- How do I handle ongoing responsibility
- How important are peace, freedom, and autonomy to me
- Am I making this decision for myself or for others
When the decision causes anxiety
Anxiety often belongs to the process, whatever direction the decision takes. What matters is whether anxiety is due to the unknown or whether a clear inner yes or no is being covered up.
Psychological counseling can help sort thoughts without prescribing an outcome. Information on mental health and decision-making is available from the NIMH.
Conclusion
Wanting children is not an obligation and not a life goal that every person must reach. Likewise, the desire for children is no guarantee of happiness.
A good decision is one that fits in the long term with your values, your energy, and your life plans, even if it does not meet everyone's expectations.
