What the first time is really about
The first time is not a technical event. It is a physical and emotional getting-to-know-you. The body responds to relaxation, not to expectations. Nervousness is normal and does not indicate maturity or suitability.
Reliable information centers consent and protection. A clear overview of consent is available from the NHS on consent. For age-appropriate sexuality education, see the WHO standards for sexuality education in Europe.
What the body needs in the situation
Arousal means increased blood flow and greater sensitivity. Tension can lead to muscles tightening and touch feeling unpleasant. Time, calm, and sufficient lubrication are therefore more important than any position.
To protect against pregnancy and infections, a condom is the simplest option. The CDC explains effectiveness and use and the BZgA offers German-language information.
Who the question of position is relevant for, and who it’s less relevant for
Many people ask about position to reduce uncertainty. That is understandable. At the same time, there is no right or wrong. If someone feels pain, intense fear, or pressure, the best decision is often to slow down or pause.
People with a vulva may feel pulling or pressure the first time but do not have to experience severe pain. Bleeding can occur, but it is not mandatory. A sober overview of expectations is available from the NHS on first-time sex.
Realistic expectations
The first time is rarely perfect. It can be awkward, brief, or unfamiliar. Some feel euphoric afterwards, others more reflective or neutral. All of this is normal. Sexuality develops with experience and trust, not from a single encounter.
Films and stories show staged sequences. They are not a benchmark for your own body.
Which positions can make sense for the first time
Many top guides intentionally do not name a single “best” position. Instead they recommend criteria that often make the first experience easier. That is also the most honest approach, because bodies, boundaries, and preferences vary greatly.
- Eye contact and closeness are possible.
- The receiving person can easily help control pace and depth.
- Movements can start slowly and be stopped at any time.
- Little balance or strength is required so no one tenses up.
- Changing position or taking a break is uncomplicated.
When these criteria are met, a situation that feels safer often arises naturally, compared with a complicated plan.
Communication: the most important part that hardly anyone talks about
Briefly saying what feels good or what is too much prevents many problems. Silence from uncertainty more often creates pressure than relaxation. A simple “slower” or “stop” is often enough to make the situation comfortable again.
It also helps to keep expectations modest beforehand. You don’t have to prove anything. You can always decide to continue, slow down, or stop.
Timing, breaks, and common pitfalls
Common difficulties arise when people try to go too fast or ignore pain. The body sometimes needs time to relax. Breaks are not failures but part of the process.
- Too much pressure that it has to work right now.
- Too little time for arousal and relaxation.
- Too much friction instead of slow adjustment.
- A sense of being pushed through rather than deciding together.
If something becomes unpleasant, that is not a sign that you are wrong. It is a signal to change the pace or take a break.
Myths and facts about the first time
Many myths circulate around the first time, which mainly create pressure. A clear view helps sort expectations.
- Myth: The first time always hurts. Fact: Severe pain is not normal and is often a sign of tension, too little time, or insufficient lubrication.
- Myth: It must bleed, otherwise it wasn’t real. Fact: Bleeding can happen but is not mandatory and proves nothing.
- Myth: If it doesn’t work right away, something is wrong. Fact: Nervousness, unfamiliar body sensations, and interruptions are common.
- Myth: There is one perfect position for everyone. Fact: What matters is control, closeness, and communication, not a specific routine.
- Myth: Without orgasm it was a failure. Fact: An orgasm is not a required goal and can be absent at the first time.
- Myth: A condom interferes so much that people prefer to skip it. Fact: With the right fit and calm application, it is manageable for many and remains the most important protection.
If you take away just one line, make it this: A good first time feels safe, not impressive.
Hygiene, protection, and safety
A new condom, clean hands, and a calm setting are the basics. If something burns, hurts strongly, or feels wrong, you should stop. Protection against infections is part of respecting yourself and the other person.
The RKI provides a factual overview of sexually transmitted infections and why protection is important.
When medical or counseling advice is advisable
If strong pain, anxiety, or muscle tension recur, talking with a physician or a counseling center can help. Sexuality should be allowed to feel safe.
If persistent burning, unusual discharge, or fever occur after the first time, medical evaluation is also advisable.
Conclusion
The best position for the first time does not depend on a trick but on control, closeness, and communication. If you start slowly, listen to the body, and can stop at any time, that already provides the most important foundation.
Perfection is not the goal. A respectful, relaxed start is worth more than any idea of how it should be.
