Why this question creates so much pressure
The desire to have children is rarely only a private consideration. Expectations from family, friends, culture and the media often play a strong role. Added to this is the fear of making the wrong decision or regretting it later.
Many do not experience a clear inner calling, but rather a wavering. That is not a sign of indecision, but a reflection of the fact that this decision affects several areas of life at the same time.
Wanting children is not an either-or feeling
A common misconception is the idea that you must either say yes with enthusiasm or consistently say no. In reality there is a large area in between.
- Curiosity without a strong desire
- A desire combined with fear
- A desire dependent on life circumstances
- No desire, but doubts because of external pressure
All of these positions are normal. There is no correct intensity that legitimises a desire for children.
Common reasons for wanting children
People name very different motives when they imagine having children. What matters is not whether these reasons sound good to society, but whether they feel right for you.
- A wish for closeness, bonding and family
- Joy in accompanying a child while they grow up
- Passing on values or experiences
- A sense of meaning or a life project
These reasons can be genuine, but they do not automatically lead to a yes if other aspects speak against it.
Common reasons against children or for doubts
Doubts often do not arise from selfishness, but from a realistic assessment of one's own life.
- A wish for freedom, flexibility or peace
- Financial or professional uncertainty
- Health or psychological burdens
- Fear of responsibility or being overwhelmed
- No inner need for parenthood
Not wanting children is not a phase that must be overcome; it can be a stable and fulfilling life decision.
The factor of time and the issue of age
Many people feel time pressure, whether biological or social. This pressure can distort decisions. It is important to distinguish between real medical aspects and external stress.
Expert information shows that fertility declines with age, but individual differences are large. At the same time, medical feasibility is not the same as personal readiness. A clear overview of fertility is available from the NHS on fertility.
Partnership: what if you think differently
Differing views on wanting children are one of the most common strains in relationships. That does not automatically mean that someone is wrong.
It is important to speak openly, without trying to convince or pressure. An honest "I don't know yet" is often more helpful than a rushed yes or no.
Myths and facts about wanting children
Many assumptions circulate around this topic that increase pressure.
- Myth: At some point you simply know for sure what you want. Fact: Many make the decision despite lingering doubts.
- Myth: Life is missing something without children. Fact: Life satisfaction depends on many factors, not only parenthood.
- Myth: Doubts mean you are not suitable. Fact: Reflection is more a sign of responsibility.
- Myth: Children save relationships. Fact: Children amplify existing dynamics but do not solve fundamental problems.
Questions that can help with the decision
These questions are not a checklist of right or wrong, but prompts for reflection.
- What would my daily life realistically look like with a child
- What would I concretely give up and what would I gain
- How do I handle long-term responsibility
- How important are peace, freedom and self-determination to me
- Am I making this decision for myself or for others
When the decision causes fear
Fear often belongs to the process, regardless of which direction the decision goes. What matters is whether the fear is about the unknown or whether it covers a clear inner no or yes.
Psychological counselling services can help to sort thoughts without prescribing an outcome. Information on mental health and decision-making is available from NIMH.
Conclusion
The desire to have children is not an obligation and not a life goal that every person must achieve. Likewise, the desire for children is not a guarantee of happiness.
A good decision is one that fits in the long term with your values, your energy and your life plan, even if it does not meet all expectations.
