Key questions to ask your sperm donor in a private donation

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Zappelphilipp Marx•
Two people sitting across from each other at a table, openly discussing sperm donation

Introduction

If you are thinking about sperm donation and want to choose a suitable donor, many questions can quickly come up. Should you use a donor from a sperm bank or a private donor found through a community or app? What questions should you ask a sperm donor in the first conversation, and how can you tell whether he is truly a good fit for you, your situation and your future child?

This guide collects the most important questions to ask a sperm donor in a practical checklist. You can use the checklist to compare private donors, prepare an interview with a donor and clarify your own boundaries regarding sperm donation and co‑parenting — whether you are searching via RattleStork, a sperm bank or your personal network.

Why asking good questions of a sperm donor is so important

Sperm donation is not a small favour but a decision with long‑term consequences for you, your potential child, the donor and possibly your partner. Especially in private donation without a sperm bank, a solid set of questions replaces part of the medical and legal screening that clinics automatically provide.

Targeted questions for a sperm donor help you, among other things, to:

  • understand his motivation for donating
  • better estimate health, sperm quality and genetic risks
  • know his expectations about contact, role and responsibility after birth
  • distinguish between reputable donors and risky offers

In regulated programs, screening and counselling are standard and follow recommendations from professional societies and regulatory authorities such as Health Canada and provincial fertility oversight bodies. There, donors are medically, genetically and psychologically assessed before their sperm is used for treatment.

Values, motivation and boundaries

Before you dive into medical details, it is worthwhile to start with a set of questions about the donor's motivation. Many conflicts arise because donors and recipients have very different ideas about what sperm donation means — whether it is closer to co‑parenting or more like an anonymous sperm bank donation.

Possible topics for this first block of questions with a sperm donor:

  • personal reasons why he wants to be a sperm donor
  • experience with previous donations and any own children
  • attitudes toward single parents, LGBTQ+ families and co‑parenting
  • how he would handle changes if wishes or life circumstances change later

If a private donor downplays your boundaries, pressures you or mocks your caution, this is a clear sign he is not a fit — regardless of how attractive his profile or sperm parameters appear.

Health and family history

Health and family history are mandatory items in any reputable donor questionnaire. Sperm banks and fertility clinics screen donors systematically for infections, genetic conditions and psychological stability. Regulatory authorities and clinic guidelines set age limits, health criteria and family limits for accepted donors.

In conversation with a private sperm donor you should at minimum ask about these topics:

  • age, any recent semen analyses and general results regarding concentration and motility
  • physical and mental health diagnoses, hospitalisations and current treatments
  • current and past sexually transmitted infections and available lab reports
  • major illnesses in the family, such as certain cancers, cardiovascular disease or neurological conditions
  • genetic conditions or known anomalies that could affect a child
  • regular medications, substance use and lifestyle factors like shift work or extreme stress

More important than perfect values is that the donor responds openly, calmly and reliably to these questions. Someone who brushes off medical topics or refuses testing is not a candidate for a responsible donation.

Biography, daily life and personality

Even if a donor will rarely be part of your everyday family life, your child will eventually have questions about their origins. Many families who use donor sperm therefore want at least a clear picture of the person who is genetically involved — regardless of whether contact is planned.

Possible topics for this part of the donor interview:

  • childhood and adolescence, formative events and important caregivers
  • education, profession and what matters to the donor in daily life
  • hobbies, talents and interests such as music, sports, languages or technology
  • personality traits — for example more reserved or extroverted, structured or spontaneous
  • personal values such as honesty, responsibility, freedom, family or fairness
  • cultural or religious background that could later be relevant to your child's identity

You do not have to agree on everything, but a clear picture of the donor's background, personality and values makes it easier later to explain your child's story.

Future role and contact preferences

Perhaps the most important topic in any donor questionnaire is the donor's desired role and contact preferences after the child's birth. Fertility clinics work with standard consent forms and legal frameworks about parentage, support, disclosure rights and limits on the number of families per donor.

In private donation you should at least ask these points clearly:

  • whether the donor wants to remain anonymous, be identifiable or allow open contact
  • whether he sees himself as a genetic contributor, an "uncle figure" or an active co‑parent
  • whether and how many other families he currently supports or plans to support
  • how he would handle it if your child later seeks active contact
  • how important it is to him to be involved in medical or schooling decisions
  • what would be a clear no for him, so you know his boundaries as well as your own

The clearer these expectations are spoken and documented before the first donation, the lower the risk of later conflicts or disappointment.

Concrete questions to ask your sperm donor — checklist

Now comes the part many people want from a sperm donation guide: a concrete list of questions you can go through in a conversation or video call with your donor. You can save this checklist, print it or keep it as notes beside you in the RattleStork App while you compare private donors.

Sperm donor sitting in a treatment room, collecting a semen sample in a sterile cup
Cup collection: sterile single‑use materials, clear testing and open answers are central to safe sperm donation.

The questions are deliberately open so the donor can tell his story. You do not have to ask them all in one conversation, but you can use them step by step to comprehensively assess a private donor's motivation, health, role and reliability.

  1. What personally motivates you to be a sperm donor, and what do you consider most important about donation?
  2. Do you already have children or donor offspring, and if so, approximately how many children and how many families have resulted from your donations?
  3. Through which channels have you donated so far, for example a sperm bank, fertility clinic or private donation via platforms and groups?
  4. How do you imagine your role after the birth of our child: no contact, occasional updates or as a visibly present person in the child's life?
  5. How old are you and have you had a semen analysis or medical fertility assessment in recent years, and what were the general results?
  6. How would you describe your current physical health — are there chronic illnesses, surgeries or hospital stays I should know about?
  7. How are you doing mentally — have you had mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety or substance use disorders, and did you receive support?
  8. Which serious illnesses occur in your family, for example certain cancers, early heart attacks, strokes, diabetes or neurological diseases?
  9. Are there known genetic conditions or anomalies in your family that could affect a child, and have any related tests been done?
  10. When were you last tested for HIV, hepatitis B and C, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhoea, and would you be willing to provide recent lab reports before donation?
  11. Do you smoke, drink alcohol regularly or use other substances, and if so, how much and since when?
  12. Which medications do you take daily or long‑term, for example for high blood pressure, autoimmune conditions or mental health, and are these compatible with donation?
  13. What does a typical day look like for you, what is your occupation, and how stressful or physically demanding is your routine?
  14. What hobbies, interests or special talents do you have, and could any of these be of interest to a child later on?
  15. Which values are especially important to you — for example honesty, reliability, autonomy, family or social justice — and why these?
  16. Approximately how many donations have you made so far and over what time period, and is there a clear limit to how many families you want to support?
  17. Have you considered legal aspects of donation, for example who is considered a legal parent, and what is your view on contractual agreements and written arrangements?
  18. Which insemination methods are acceptable to you — for example at‑home cup collection, clinical insemination with processed sperm or something else — and which methods do you exclude?
  19. How flexible are you with timing for ovulation and short‑notice arrangements, and over what period would you be willing to be available for donations?
  20. How do you imagine safe and respectful meetings, which locations would you be comfortable with and which safety rules matter to you?
  21. Are you willing to document our agreements about role, contact, number of attempts, method and costs in writing, and would you review these with a counselling service or lawyer if needed?
  22. What should our child know about you at minimum later on — for example origin, occupation, hobbies, health information or your thoughts about being a donor?
  23. How would you respond if our child actively sought contact with you at age 16 or 18 and asked questions about their origins, and what would matter to you in that situation?
  24. Is there anything you would like from us in return, for example certain information about the child, the type and frequency of updates, or boundaries you expect us to respect?
  25. Is there anything important we haven't covered that matters to you regarding donation, co‑parenting or your role as a sperm donor?

If you notice evasive answers, contradictions or a persistent negative gut feeling while working through the checklist, that is a good sign to keep searching. A reliable donor answers critical questions calmly, openly and without pressure — even if not everything is perfect.

Red flags with sperm donors

While a structured questionnaire is helpful, it is equally important to take red flags seriously when choosing a donor. In unregulated online groups, people and professionals repeatedly report donors who cross boundaries, use donation as a substitute for dating, or later see their role very differently than agreed.

Typical red flags can include:

  • the donor insists on natural insemination despite your clear refusal
  • he refuses current medical tests, downplays infection risks or cannot provide verifiable lab reports
  • he avoids questions about previous donations, the number of potential donor offspring or his own children
  • he creates time pressure, applies emotional pressure or makes your fertility project dependent on sexual favours
  • he only wants to meet in remote places or without clear safety arrangements and does not respect your safety wishes
  • he frequently contradicts himself about occupation, health, marital status or residence

Regulated fertility clinics and sperm banks operate under clear legal frameworks about parentage, the use of donor sperm and disclosure rights. Official information indicates that donors there are usually limited in the number of families they support and do not have legal parental status when treatment is provided in a licensed setting. If you search privately, your questions, your pace and your non‑negotiables take on much of that protective function.

When professional help is sensible

Even if you pursue private donors, communities or apps, professional support can be very helpful. Counselling or medical guidance is advisable, for example, if:

  • you are unsure how to interpret lab results, semen analyses or genetic information
  • serious illnesses appear in your or the donor’s family history
  • you have tried multiple cycles with private donation without achieving a pregnancy
  • the donor search is causing significant emotional strain, triggering anxiety or stressing your relationship
  • you and your partner have different ideas about the donor’s contact, role and responsibilities

Many fertility clinics, specialised counselling services and psychological supports know the typical questions about donation, donor selection and later disclosure to donor‑conceived children. They can help you translate medical facts, legal frameworks and your feelings into a coherent decision.

Conclusion

A clear questionnaire for a sperm donor does not replace lab results or legal advice, but it makes donation tangible and comparable. The more targeted your questions about motivation, health, family history, role and practical arrangements, the easier it becomes to filter out unreliable donors and find the person with whom your fertility project feels safe and appropriate — for you, your family and your future child.

Disclaimer: Content on RattleStork is provided for general informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice; no specific outcome is guaranteed. Use of this information is at your own risk. See our full Disclaimer.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

There is no fixed number; what matters is that you cover motivation, health, family history, future role and practical arrangements, and keep asking until you have a coherent overall picture and feel comfortable with the donor and the planned donation.

Particularly important are questions about the donor's motivation, current health and lab results, genetic risks in the family, desired role after the birth, contact preferences and how reliable and transparent the donor is about agreements related to donation.

Many people use a first meeting for an initial impression and a second conversation for deeper health and future questions; you can therefore spread the list over several meetings, but you should have all important points clarified for yourself before the first donation.

Yes, even familiar people can have undiagnosed infections or family conditions; factual questions about health, lab results and family history are part of a responsible donation and protect you and your future child.

Questions about prior donations, the approximate number of half‑siblings and existing children are central because they relate to genetic risk, legal issues and future disclosure to your child, and therefore should be discussed openly.

It helps to calmly explain that you ask these questions to take responsibility for your child; you can start by sharing about yourself and your family and then mirror those questions about mental health, substance issues, treatments and current use with the donor.

If a donor evades core questions about motivation, health, previous donations, future role or legal matters, or downplays the situation, that is a clear sign to end contact and continue searching for a more suitable donor.

It is helpful to take notes after the conversation and to document key agreements in writing; this creates clarity for everyone involved and makes it easier later to track what promises the donor made and where open points remain.

Especially for private donation without a sperm bank, supplementary advice from medical specialists and legal resources is advisable to better understand risks, contractual options, parentage and your own rights and to make informed decisions.

Be suspicious if someone pushes quickly, insists on natural insemination, blocks health questions, gives contradictory information, suggests meeting in unsafe locations or shows no reasonable approach to tests, boundaries and safety.

Donors in regulated fertility clinics and sperm banks undergo defined medical checks and legal procedures, which reduces many risks; with private donors, safety depends heavily on your questions, your boundaries and the mutual willingness to agree clearly.

RattleStork provides a structured community and matching app for sperm donation, private donors and co‑parenting, but it does not replace medical or legal advice; it mainly helps you compare profiles, gather questions and make boundaries and expectations clear from the start.