Why this question creates so much pressure
The desire to have children is rarely only a private consideration. Expectations from family, friends, culture and media often play a strong role. Added to that is the fear of making the wrong choice or regretting it later.
Many people do not experience a single clear inner calling but rather a wavering. That is not a sign of indecision, but an expression of the fact that this decision affects several areas of life at once.
Wanting children is not an either-or feeling
A common misconception is the idea that you must either enthusiastically say yes or firmly say no. In reality, there is a large area in between.
- Curiosity without a strong desire
- Desire mixed with simultaneous fear
- Desire dependent on life circumstances
- No desire, but doubts because of external pressure
All of these positions are normal. There is no correct intensity that legitimates a desire to have children.
Common reasons for wanting children
People name very different motives when they imagine having children. What matters is not whether these reasons sound good socially, but whether they feel right to you.
- A wish for closeness, attachment and family
- Joy in accompanying a child as they grow up
- Passing on values or experiences
- A feeling of meaning or a life project
These reasons can be genuine, but they do not automatically mean a yes if other aspects speak against it.
Common reasons against having children or for doubts
Doubts often do not arise from selfishness, but from a realistic assessment of one’s own life.
- A desire for freedom, flexibility or calm
- Financial or career uncertainty
- Health or mental health burdens
- Fear of responsibility or being overwhelmed
- No inner need for parenthood
Not wanting children is not a phase that must be overcome; it can be a stable and fulfilling life choice.
Time and the issue of age
Many people feel time pressure, whether biological or social. That pressure can distort decisions. It is important to distinguish between real medical aspects and external stress.
Clinical information shows that fertility declines with age, but individual differences are large. At the same time, medical feasibility is not the same as personal readiness. A clear overview of fertility is available from the NHS on fertility.
Relationship: What if you think differently
Different ideas about having children are one of the most common strains in relationships. That does not automatically mean that someone is wrong.
It is important to speak openly without trying to convince or pressure the other. An honest "I don’t know yet" is often more helpful than a hasty yes or no.
Myths and facts about wanting children
Many assumptions circulate around this topic that create pressure.
- Myth: You will eventually just know for sure what you want. Fact: Many make the decision despite lingering doubts.
- Myth: Life is missing something without children. Fact: Life satisfaction depends on many factors, not only parenthood.
- Myth: Doubts mean you are not suitable. Fact: Reflection more often indicates a sense of responsibility.
- Myth: Children save relationships. Fact: Children amplify existing dynamics but do not solve fundamental problems.
Questions that may help with the decision
These questions are not a checklist with right or wrong answers, but prompts for thought.
- What would my everyday life with a child realistically look like
- What would I concretely give up and what would I gain
- How do I cope with long-term responsibility
- How important are calm, freedom and self-determination to me
- Am I making this decision for myself or for others
When the decision causes anxiety
Fear often belongs to the process, regardless of which direction the decision goes. The decisive question is whether the fear is of the unknown or whether it masks a clear inner no or yes.
Psychological counselling services can help sort thoughts without prescribing an outcome. Information on mental health and decision-making is available from the NIMH on mental health.
Conclusion
Wanting children is not an obligation and not a life goal that every person must achieve. Likewise, the desire for children is not a guarantee of happiness.
A good decision is one that fits, in the long term, with your values, your energy and your life plan, even if it does not meet all expectations.
